It is not all easy
living under the same roof as an alcoholic or addict. The addicts belligerent,
abusive behavior can be very difficult to deal with. Every member of the family
of the alcoholic gets affected living in an
inevitable, predictable pattern of dysfunction and denial.
Learning to Live
with an Addict
There are some
common behavior and belief patterns in family members living with an individual
who is abusing substances. These issues should be addressed before any attempt
can be made to bring balance and harmony in the family:
1. Denial If you do not accept that your loved
one is addicted to alcohol or drugs, you cannot take the next steps in
addressing the addiction issue. This way, any hope of a harmonious relationship
in the family is doomed from the start.
2. Reaction You need to stop reacting to the often
erratic or provocative behavior of the addict. Your reaction should not
trigger an escalation of the situation.
3. Attitude You must not demand that the alcoholic
improve his behavior. Stop lecturing or blaming the addict. Get professional
help instead.
4. Socialize Do not stop your social life by
isolating yourself from friends or avoiding enjoyable activities. If you
isolate yourself, you may get further depressed or fatigued and will not be in
a position to help the addict in a rational way when you are ready to do so.
You will also not be able to develop the skills required to keep the family
together in difficult times.
5. Respect All family members must respect each
other as a rule. If the alcoholic or addict is abusive, he or she must be asked
to get out of home. Similarly, if any other family member mistreats the
alcoholic, he or she also needs to find another home. A home that does not
respect the concept of love and respect has not hope for restoration. This is
the time for tough love, not disrespect.
Guidelines for
Living with an Alcoholic or Addict
We all have
different personalities, even differing belief systems. Still, we choose to
live and thrive together. Thats what a family or society is, since time
immemorial. However, living with an active alcoholic or addict needs
reinforcement of the guidelines for living together:
1. Do not try to control the alcoholic - you just cannot.
2. Do not take over his or her
responsibilities; you are
invalidating the alcoholic as a person and not allowing him or her to face the
consequences of their behavior.
3. Do not think of yourself as a
victim. You are not. You are
an independent individual capable of taking care of yourself.
4. Do not be an enabler by encouraging
alcoholic behavior. This does
not mean removing all alcohol or drugs from the addicts presence. That has
never worked. It means that you do not support the addiction by tolerating,
rescuing or covering up for the addict.
5. Do not try to force the addict to
change. Change comes from
within the person, not from without. Only when there is a felt need to change,
will he or she begin the process of recovery.
7. Do things for yourself. Take a break. Get involved in
activities that are outside the constant trauma of chasing or worrying about the
addictive behaviors at him. Join a self-help group such as Al-anon. Al-anon has
helped many in similar situations and is invaluable in providing support and
guidance to a family member of an alcoholic.
8. Get professional help. Alcohol
and drug rehabs are designed to provide support to the addict for
sustained recovery. A good rehab will look at the whole family and facilitate
recovery for each member by education and counseling.
~ Ms. Raisa Luther, Psychologist
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